What Is It You Really Need?

July31-07 017When you wake up and begin your day, do you ever just lay there quietly and think to yourself, “What do I need today? ” or “Am I getting what I need?”.  Perhaps this is one of those tough days during a loss or any type of recovery that you don’t feel is going well or your coping skills have taken a flush.  Who is in charge of getting what you need?  Of course you know the answer to that – You Are!

First step is always the same – ask the question of yourself.  WHAT DO I NEED RIGHT NOW?  AND WHO CAN HELP ME TO GET WHAT I NEED, (IF IT IS GOING TO TAKE MORE THAN JUST ME?)  One of the hardest coping skills toward Letting Go is learning to identify your resources and then use them; not easy for the self-reliant, and I-can-do-it-all-myself people.  Trust me when I tell you, not admitting when you can’t do it alone and trying it anyway, is a crash and burn set-up waiting to happen.  Part of the best recoveries involve using trusted “others” who are waiting to support us, just as we are able, at times, to support them.  There will surely come the day(s) when it is time to cash in and lean on someone else for a little while.  It involves trust and honesty – with them and with ourselves.  Here are some steps to doing it:

1. Recognize when you are getting into water over your head for even the most simple of tasks.  Please don’t say to yourself, “it is too small to burden someone else with”, or “I can just do it faster alone”.  Give it over for just a few minutes or a few hours – everyone benefits, especially you.  And if you require some peaceful time on your own, ask another to hold the fort while you breathe somewhere else for a little reprieve.  The benefits of returning to life with a clearer more balanced outlook is immeasurable.

2. Ask someone to not make your decisions for you.  In the course of healing, many good-minded friends and family sort of take over in some situations.  If it doesn’t matter at the time, fine.  But if you feel like you are loosing your grip on the daily process, request kindly that they stand back and give you head room.  This can be done gently, but firmly.

3. Confusing day or tough plan?  Ask someone you trust to come sit and have some tea with you.  Run your thoughts and worries by them and ask for their opinion.  Notice, I didn’t say provide your solution.  What might they do in your situation that would help you make a better choice?  The quiet session, the tea and the trusted conversation will always help.

4. If a conflict is looming, bring it to the table with the individual(s) involved, with kindness and love.  You needn’t ever bury your right to a free voice just because it’s easier to avoid it.  On any given day it might be necessary for you to clear the air in order to maintain your independence and healing, but remember to maintain the bridge if it is an important one.  Buried anger is harmful to our body and spirit, not to mention our emotional well-being.

5. When you find what it is you are needing at any point, when you act on that need by supplying yourself with the resources to accomplish it, when you see how successful you are at keeping your balance and spirit in the situation you would like to resolve…..congratulate yourself for putting yourself first and staying healthy.  One success leads to many more on our journey and they are worth celebrating.

So, when you wake up in the morning, plan your day around what you need, then set about getting there.

Happiness.  Gabrielle

Excerpt from Let GO and Let LOVE: Survivors of Suicide Loss Healing Handbook, published by CreateSpace, $12.87, paperback and e-book available 09/2015.

CONTACT: Gabrielle Doucet gabrielle@survivorhealing.com

Embracing Silence

SilenceFor some, silence is more of a curse than a gift. Many of us have to have some form of stimulation, auditory or otherwise, bombarding us all of the time – we simply cannot exist in a silent world. We jog with ear-buds, walk with cell phones (sometimes with a child in the stroller), communicate incessantly without taking a breath and run the flat screens without interruption. Where is the break? Where are the intercessions?

Most recently I had a gentleman stop at my curbside and decide to pick up a lawn sweeper that I was setting out free to anyone who wanted it – I wasn’t using it anymore. Since I was standing in my driveway managing another task, I observed him pulling up next to the item, so I introduced myself. He said to me that he knew who I was from others who have seen the gardens on my property and since he took my street frequently, he had always wanted to see them. Being in the now moment, I offered to take him in the back to look around. He asked me what it meant to have “peaceful gardens”, and I told him that I designed spaces for people to meditate and quiet their minds. Now I wish to say that this man, at first glance did not appear to be a meditator straight off, but to my surprise he said that in his line of work he often had to deal with individuals that could be very difficult to get along with. He went on to say, that to put his mind in a position of calm, he had established an empty room in his house that only had a chair in it. He would go and sit in that chair with the door closed and bring healthy, peaceful and positive thoughts to his mind for 15 – 20 minutes each day. Wow, who knew? Is that using silence?….absolutely.

I love the synonyms of silence: quietness, quiet, quietude, stillness, hush, tranquility, noiselessness, soundlessness, peace, peacefulness……. Honestly, when and where do we use these anymore? What are we teaching ourselves, our children, when it comes to silence?

During the post-suicide grieving period, our mind often struggles with the non-stop bombardment of Things and Thoughts. Things that we are doing, have done, must do; an endless list perpetuated out of daily necessity. At times it involves Things that others are doing and how it affects us from the standpoint of good and not-so-good. And then the Thoughts of how to accomplish it all, moves in and takes over the prioritizing, categorizing and organization. Just like beautifully thin tracing paper, we overlay this Doing-ness over the ever-present emotional connection to loss. Recovery and survivorship is often and easily pushed down and buried under tons of Things and Thoughts’ To-Do Lists. And being honest, it’s sometimes just easier than coping with grief.  Let’s consider interrupting the Doing-ness and embrace the Being-ness that comes with silence.

Most of us do not put silence anywhere in our daily routine.  We will declare that we don’t really know how to quiet our minds and environment, it’s complicated, and frankly, we don’t have the time.  But, let’s be honest – we are not shooting for Nirvana here.  What we really want to do is give our minds and bodies a chance to have a voice – from the inside out.  Most of the voices we receive are bombarding us from the outside in.  Let’s change that and start listening to ourselves and our inner guidance, instead of simply reacting to all the noise from everywhere else.

For those of you who work in stressful situations, ones that can be a trigger for your anxiety, PTSB, sadness or other symptoms – Stop, shut your door (any door), and get silent.  Everyone gets a break somewhere in their working hours, and you can find a spot that allows you to exercise your right to be still.  Lean back, close your eyes, deep breathe and welcome the stillness.  If your thoughts intrude, gently put them aside for consultation later.  Take a walk without any electronics of any kind, not even a music playlist. Give your brain 20 minutes off.

Just choose silence as one of your treatments to health and you will always find the WHEN and the WHERE.

Excerpt from Let GO and Let LOVE: Survivors of Suicide Loss Healing Handbook, published by CreateSpace, $12.87, paperback and e-book available 09/2015.

CONTACT: Gabrielle Doucet gabrielle@survivorhealing.com

 

How Deep Breathing Can Help The Healing Process After Loss

BreatheThere is little good that comes from holding our breath or breathing in a shallow way during a frightful or stressful experience, and yet, that’s what 90 percent of us do. I offer the following deep breathing tips to suicide survivors and anyone else suffering from chronic and crippling stress:

  • Learn the simple basic steps of deep breathing and practice them multiple times each day. By having practiced deep breathing well in advance of any stressful interaction, you will be adequately prepared to keep the body in balance and healthy no matter what confronts you. Here are some good instructions to get you started if you are a newcomer to breathing techniques put out by Harvard Medical School, click here to read the article.
  • If or when someone poses a question to you regarding your current situation, always take a deep breath before answering. Pause, whoever is present can wait. It helps to calm and clear your mind before you give your response, especially if the inquiry could send you into panic mode. The brain will get the oxygen it requires and will perform the job it needs to do – responding without becoming stressed.
  • Perform deep breathing before you take on any task that is likely to upset you or put you in a circumstance that you cannot avoid. Examples of this might be looking at photographs of your loved one, visiting an old location that resurrects memories, or being in a crowd of friends and relatives you haven’t seen in a while. This is a good technique for putting off Fight or Flight.
  • Include deep breathing techniques into your relaxation or meditation routine. If meditation is not part of your daily routine, then call it relaxation and breathe your way to health several times a day. Set the time aside purposefully or when you come upon some unexpected time. Early morning before or just after arising and then later in the evening before you retire is a good plan. Put your faith in the breath.
  • Put yourself in nature without earbuds, iPod or cell phone. This is a perfect time to take stock of how you are feeling internally, as well as check the gauges on your emotions. Spend the activity registering your deep breathing and how it is working for you. Listen to the air going through you during inspiration and expiration. Then call it “meditation”…..
  • Use deep breath to avoid aligning yourself with guilt. Since one of the most difficult confrontations we have as survivors is with ourselves, when unwanted thoughts make their way into your heart and mind, stop wherever you are and deep breathe. For superb effect, say the mantra, “I am Guilt Free” while performing the breathing technique.
  • For an effective exercise, set a breath-training reminder. For instance, deep breathe whenever you:
    1. see something green
    2. enter a building
    3. get into your car
    4. finish brushing your teeth
    5. complete a phone call
  • Compliment yourself for deep breathing during the day. Congratulate yourself for improving your health, releasing your stress and bringing yourself forward in the path of survivorship.

Excerpt from Let GO and Let LOVE: Survivors of Suicide Loss Healing Handbook, Published by CreateSpace, $12.87, paperback and e-book available 09/2015.

CONTACT: Gabrielle Doucet gabrielle@survivorhealing.com